TG22_How to Foster Your Teen's Self-Drive
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Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome back today. I'm covering a big topic that comes up repeatedly and I hear it in so many words. How do I get my teen to do what they need to do? In other words, how can you foster your teen's self drive? If you're a parent wondering how to help your teen find their inner motivation and independence.
This episode is for you. Let's get to it. Belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible or that you don't have any influence in their life is outdated and it's unhealthy. It's time for a new paradigm in these teen years. One where your midlife. Is equally considered to their adolescent years, and you officially speak each other's language.
You understand them in a way you always wish someone understood you, and you know how to relate to them in ways that boost their confidence and motivation. Where no matter how much they showed you typical teen behavior, you still felt close and you could trust each other. Where you knew exactly how to guide them to become the best version of themselves.
And you'd never felt better as a parent. Welcome to your new reality. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler. And in this podcast, I guide you through the proven self regulation mindset, behavior, change, relationship, and skill building strategies. And sold to systems tools. I've learned throughout my 18 plus years as an educator and coach for parents, tweens, and teens.
In this podcast, I share the latest research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a teen to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last a lifetime, this is the teenage guide. Self drive or intrinsic motivation is such a critical life. Skill. Humans with self-drive are happier and more fulfilled, and they tend to perform better in school, manage their time, their responsibilities, make more thoughtful decisions that alignment with your values.
But let's be real, because it's just easier said than done to have self-drive. There's so many obstacles and barriers and blocks that can get in the way. Especially with teens, a lot of parents fall into the trap of micromanaging or nagging because we just want the best for our kids. And if they don't do what they need to do, they fall behind.
And they don't achieve or learn, or they lose confidence, but true self drive comes from within, not from external pressure that they need to do it, or that we said. So. It comes from within, so that's really where the focus of today's episode. Is so here are 3 things to remember and apply if you're ready to guide your team to become more self driven and who isn't number 1 define success.
First, you've got to focus on what you can control and this underlies everything for you and parenting and that starts with. The dynamic that you both create around what it means to be driven and successful for whom, for what? So, consider your own definition of success and how it might differ from theirs and remember.
When you're approaching them in conversation around this, their need for autonomy and control is queen and king, 100 percent of the time, if you want the straight A's, so they can get into Harvard and become a lawyer, like you and grandpa and great grandpa did, then that's your definition of success, not theirs.
So, you must guide them to define success along with a combination of family values and along with noticing their strengths. Because true success or feeling successful is a combination of them trying their best, being resilient, asking for help, taking risks, hard work, dedication and integrity, and they are more likely to be self driven if they feel connected to these qualities and to these practices, if they have these habits of behavior.
And if they feel connected to their own strengths, then if it's for you and what you want for them, right, they're more likely to be self driven if they feel resilient. If they feel they're trying their best, if they ask for help and they get it, if they take risks and are encouraged to take risks versus perfection, if they value hard work, sometimes I know some of this is easier said than done.
And at the same time, this is where self drive comes from the dynamic that you create. Includes this environment of trust. And open communication that you're building. Teens. Are naturally trying to assert their independence, and if they feel like you're constantly criticizing or controlling them, they'll shut down or do things just to please you.
Instead, you got to focus on being approachable and supportive. And this is part of you learning to be a teenage guide and not a boss simple ways to do this. Are by asking open ended questions and listening to their answers, really listening, not through the lens of what you want to hear, but really hearing them.
For example, instead of saying, why didn't you do your homework, which to them will come off as judgmental. You might try what's on your mind about school lately. Anything I can support you with. And it's amazing how much more. Your teenager will share when they don't feel judged and how much more motivated they'll be to do it when they don't feel stressed, right?
When they do share, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. They don't want you to be the hero of their story. Sometimes what they want. Is to just feel heard and in creating this dynamic, you are building their confidence to solve problems to become driven on their own. Number 2, Island Hop. You're going to create safety around strengths and interests.
So, there is this concept called Islands of Competence, developed by Dr. Robert Brooks. And he developed this metaphor in service of supporting humans with ADHD. Because after a while, when you're neurodivergent in this world, if someone doesn't feel good at something, their confidence can really plummet.
And humans won't pursue purpose. Or, like, a feeling of purpose or take action if it's not life or death, unless they feel safe. In other words, they aren't going to take the risk of being driven to do something themselves unless they feel safe. So you create emotional safety needed for self drive and offer opportunities within their areas of interest and personal strengths.
So what does this mean? Well, it requires. Knowing them and seeing them, practicing them non judgmentally noticing maybe some adjacent areas where they could develop skills, connections, and learning around a topic of interest that excites them. Not necessarily you, that's a key. This also means that you might point out how this topic that they're interested in, whatever it may be.
It shapes their world and it shapes our world and it overlaps with other areas. Right? So, the other day, my tween son, he is so sharp with sales. I swear he is always trying to upsell me on everything. He's always making bets. He's always wanting to know about money and he's always creating new games. He just feels like his future right now.
Of course, he's a tween. So take this with a grain of salt. But right now I can see he's got these strengths and these interests potentially in business or marketing or entrepreneurship. And so I've just been gently kind of sprinkling in subtle nods. To this along the way, pointing out that he's really strong in this and to know that this is not an accident that he's interested in these things.
These are his islands of competence right now. He feels strong with them. So Robert Brooks says in an ocean of uncertainty in an ocean. Where all humans are met with their inadequacies, what they're not good at as the guide, obviously you're going to encourage them to strengthen things they need to strengthen, whether they like it or not.
However, when it comes to building self drive, focus on their strengths. They end up developing more confidence and self drive along the way. No one to back off and let them fail or figure things out on their own. Parenting, I think of it, this is why I call it the art, science and soul of parenting, because it's often this, I came up with the words discernment dance, right?
It's often this discerning dance between understanding when they need to struggle a little bit and figure it out on their own. And also, when you need to step in and guide them to develop specific skills, and there's likely both cases in every situation, right? If they're challenged in some way, or you'd love for them to have motivation in some way.
There's probably some things they need to figure out the hard way. They're going to have to fail. They're going to have to. Not do well on that project at school, or that exam, or they're going to have to lose a friend or something and then they're going to learn. They're going to internalize the experience and be self driven to learn the skills.
And at the same time. In that same experience, there might be instances where you're guiding them where you're kind of nudging them. You're always asking yourself. What does this bring up in me? Do I want to rescue them right now? Because I'm uncomfortable because if that's the truth, which we can all relate to that, that's about you.
That's not about them. And is this a can't? Or a won't is another tip. I have another strategy, which if it's a can't, it's about them developing specific skills. It's about them not having the ability to do the thing. They can't do it if it's a won't their need for control is reigning supreme and they won't do something because it's their way.
Of asserting power and control, so you can know when to back off and let them feel or figure things out on their own with that discernment dance and also asking, is this a can't is their behavior a can't or is it a won't they need to go through their own heroes journey. They want to be the hero of their story.
I say this again and again, it's always worth repeating though. Because we have sneaky ways as parents that we swoop in and rescue or, you know, insert ourselves and figuring something out and they don't really need us to do that. So there's no exact blueprint for every human. It's truly child dependent.
Understanding them, their brain, their motivations and fears, and then along the way, these ingredients really become part of the recipe that you follow to guide them to more self drive. Number 3. It also applies to social, emotional and school. So remember that it's not just about defining success at school and it's not just about strengths and interest to get them to be driven to do their homework, right?
It's also applying to social, emotional skills and social, emotional wellness. And the main focus here so far has been applied around school, but being self driven applies to their social emotional well being. When it comes to a social challenge, you want them to be self driven to figure it out. It's challenging because you might watch them suffer, and that is excruciating to watch them be a part of drama, to get picked on, to feel isolated, and oftentimes from our adult perspectives.
Can be completely unnecessary. It's like watching them learn how to swim, right? You know, they are going to have to gasp for breath a few times while they figure it out. It's really challenging though. And your role is to create the open space to have the dialogue with you to sift through what's healthy, what's not maybe different approaches.
Sometimes they might be willing to hear what you have to say. Other times, they might be resistant. In other words, they need to feel driven themselves. So again, it's that discernment dance that applies to social emotional, which is how much do I let them struggle and figure it out and handle it and how much do I insert myself and the general rule of thumb is you wait as long as you can to handle these challenges for them, unless it's up against extreme, um, Bullying circumstances or something terrible.
You don't go up to the other parties, tell them to talk it out or speak your mind. You don't reach out to other people involved or mediate at this time. When you do this, you rob them of their own self confidence and self drive and there's always a spectrum. You really have to use your own intuition and judgment.
And the way you influence them in speaking up in facing a social challenge or an emotional challenge. Is by your presence and attunement, the way you relate to them, the way you show up at first. So always remember that. So here's a quick recap of four simple ways to boost your teen's self drive. Number one, define success.
What does success mean to you? What does success look like for them? Number 2, practice expanding their perspective, pointing out overlapping topics or skills and how they benefit each other, give them opportunities in their areas of interest. Number 3, practice when to provide structure and support.
They're not going to take leaps. Or build skills and practice becoming self driven if they don't feel safe enough to and that's where you come in. So you're practicing creating a distressed environment in a relationship. So they know whatever happens. They'll be okay. And finally, the discernment dance, knowing when to step in, when to back off, when to let them struggle a little bit, when to insert yourself, you don't want to automatically solve their challenges for them that you've got to let them fail and struggle and make their way through as much as possible.
And it also applies to. Social emotional skills, right to the things that we would love for them to be driven to do socially and emotionally, it applies in the same way. So, if this episode resonates with you, then I want to invite you 1st to check out my free class, confident and connected. It is an incredible class that shows you common mistakes.
Parents of teens make along with my 4 part framework. That helps you solve big challenges simply and step by step them listening to you, doing what they need to do all while building trust. Enjoy between you and additionally, my monthly parent membership thrive is now open and it is. Amazing inside this community program.
Each week you get the support and step by step coaching and my soul to systems toolkit needed to guarantee you and your team live with more confidence and connection individually together at school and in life. Both are linked here in the show notes. I would love to see you in either the class. Or you can just hop on in to the monthly membership.
It is only 97 a month. You can cancel anytime. And there is so much value packed inside this membership. I cannot express it enough. So if this episode resonated with you, check it out, check both of them out. I cannot wait to see you in there. No matter what I want you to really hear me when I say never underestimate the power that you have as the parent.
I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your team. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect. And like, subscribe, review, and or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit.
Remember the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the Teenage Guide To.
