TG23_Why Your Teen Isn't Listening or Opening Up To You
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Before I dive into this super value packed straight talking episode, I wanted to make sure you heard my free class confident and connected is available to now inside the class. I show you common mistakes, very well intentioned loving parents of teens make along with my four part framework that gets your teen listening to you and doing what they need to do without backtalk and eye rolls all while building trust and joy between you.
You can either head to the teenage guide. com forward slash class and watch right away. Or click the link here in my show notes. It's all here for you. And we'll give you answers and support ASAP. Belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible or that you don't have any influence in their life is outdated and it's unhealthy.
It's time for a new paradigm in these teen years, one where your midlife is equally considered to their adolescent years, and you officially speak each other's language. You understand them in a way you always wish someone understood you. And you know how to relate to them in ways that boost their confidence and motivation, where no matter how much they showed you typical teen behavior, you still felt close and you could trust each other where you knew exactly how to guide them to become the best version of themselves.
And you'd never felt better as a parent. Welcome to your new reality. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler. And in this podcast, I guide you through the proven. Self regulation, mindset, behavior, change, relationship, and skill building strategies. And sold to systems tools. I've learned throughout my 18 plus years as an educator and coach for parents, tweens, and teens.
In this podcast, I share the latest research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a teen to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last a lifetime. This is the teenage guide podcast. Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm so happy that you're visiting me here in my corner of the podcast world.
You know, I often get asked a version of how do I get my teen to listen to me? They're always full of excuses or they shut me out when I try to help. So in today's episode, I want to share with you some real and quite frankly, raw reasons and root causes why this might be happening and what to do about it.
Because When you understand why you can start to repair and build the relationship essential skills, you need to build between you and your teenager and, you know, I'm all about telling it like it is. And these reasons aren't always the whole story, but. They might be breadcrumbs that lead you to the whole story.
So I salute you and your willingness to listen to me while I try to tell you why they might not be listening to you. So let's jump right on in to the deep end. Number one, first off, it's important to understand your teens need for autonomy and control is queen or king 100 percent of the time, and they are in this period where they crave it, and they'll push right up against your boundaries and test you in order to get a little more of it over time withholding information.
Or certain aspects of their life from you is a way that they can have control. Not listening to you is another way that they can feel in control. Number two, they may feel judged by you in some way and or nervous about your response. If they were to share some stuff with you, sharing their inner world and social world with you is the most private part of their life.
And it's extremely vulnerable, may not make sense all the time. There's a teenage narrative that no one understands me
And honestly, it just needs to be shifted their real feelings, fears, the way they identify or see themselves. These are very visceral, exposed parts of them. They feel the spotlights on them. Everyone's judging them. So, if there's any amount of judgment, negative labels, judgment of others, or projections of how they should be that are placed on them, they will pull attention and communication away from you.
Number three, if you're judgmental of yourself, if you label yourself, there's an element of trust and safety that's broken with them too. So if my mom or my dad is judging themselves, they'll judge me too. This is the narrative. This is actually based also on the research around trust building. And if someone is critical of themselves.
It breaks trust with us and how they would perceive us when you work with me, you learn about what I call the teenage tree and it's my framework to learn to thrive with your team and you understand through this framework, how everything you want for them and with them must be practiced inside your own relationship with yourself.
First, it's relational laws of the universe. We are all mirrors for each other. Especially the relationship we have with our kids. So be aware of the labels that you place on yourself. Start to become aware of the relationship, how you treat yourself, the way you talk to yourself. And if you're judgmental of yourself, if you label yourself, then you're also breaking a little bit of trust and safety potentially.
With them, number four, they might be trying to protect you by withholding information, or they might feel like you'll be burdened or that you can't handle it. See, everyone's always walking around in their own mental movies and our teenagers are amazing storytellers, right? They. Are going to come up with their own narrative just like you and teams pick up on more than most adults give them credit for.
They are reading people. They are making conclusions and forming beliefs about us adults and parents all the time. So if you're going through a stressed period of time. They may not open up to you, or they might be shutting you out or distancing from you because they feel like their life would be a burden to you, or that their challenge would be a burden to you.
So just be aware that them withholding something is potentially because they're trying to protect you or they don't want to burden you. So again, here are four common reasons our teens don't listen to us, or they don't open up to us, or they shut us out. Number one. They need more autonomy in their lives.
Number two, they might feel judged by you or nervous about your response. Number three, they watch you judge yourself and they soak it up and they break trust. And number four, they're trying to protect you. They're trying to. Destress your life. So if any of these are triggering or hard to hear, I hear you.
It's uncomfortable to hear that we might be part of the problem or that our behavior, our life experience is the reason why they're not talking to us or they're not listening, especially because things are often chalked up to teens being annoying or. You know, disrespectful, they've really gotten a bad rap over the years and there's always more beneath the surface.
So what I want you to understand is that all behavior is communication. All behavior is communication and only 7 percent of what we communicate is verbal 7, 7%. Them not listening to you or opening up to you is still communicating something. And it could be one of the reasons that I mentioned above. But as I say, you have more power than you often realize.
So here are quick actions to take to figure out how to repair, how to open communication and move forward. First, get curious, observe and reflect back to them as non judgmentally as possible. Second, ask them, ask them what's going on in their life and share that they won't be in trouble for their response.
You're simply there to listen. Three, change and shift your behavior to become more self aware and self compassionate and accountable. Practice treating yourself with respect. And number four, trust in the process. It takes time to build trust, openness, and authenticity inside our relationships. And with our teens is no different.
There's more emotion for sure. And there's also a deep desire to be seen by each other. It's actually what you both truly want is to feel connected, not controlled, but connected. Even if it feels like they want to hide, be patient and know that by you practicing some of these things and becoming aware you shifting alone.
We'll shift the dynamic between you. I hope and trust this quick to the point episode has been super valuable for you today. If you're ready to go all in on working with me and getting this level of insight, straight talk and community and coaching in real life, you must check out my monthly. Parent membership thrive.
It's now open and inside this community program. Each week, you get support, you get coaching from me, step by step, you get access to my incredible toolkit that you need, that all parents need in order to guarantee that you live. With more confidence and connection individually together at school and in life.
And it's all linked right here in the show notes. You can learn more and register today. I invite you to check it out. No matter what I want you to really hear me when I say never underestimate the power you have as the parent. I can't wait to see you right back here next week. Same time, same place. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your team.
If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect. And like, subscribe, review, and or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.
