TG25_Must-have stress-reducing systems for you and your teen
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[00:00:00] Speaker 31: Welcome back to the teenage guide podcast, your go to show, where I share insights into the toolkit. You need to thrive with your teen individually. Together at school home and in life. And today we're going to be talking about stress reducing systems for parents and teens. Can I get a high five, please?
[00:00:19] Because I don't need to tell you this, but stress is permeating our lives. and parenting and being a teenager come with their own set of challenges. For parents, it's often about juggling work, responsibilities, schedules, and the emotional ties to parenting and being human. And for teens, stress arises from social pressure, schoolwork, extracurriculars, and figuring out who they are.
[00:00:48] And where they belong, and it's a lot for both of you to handle, as I like to say, it's a mixed bag of nuts. And when we have tools and systems, we create freedom, a sense of expansion and freedom. We improve our lives and our relationships. Because we can decrease stress, this kind of structure and toolkit makes our lives better.
[00:01:15] They create this freedom that we so often crave and think. It is impossible because we are managing so many things. So without further ado, let's dive in to today's episode. Belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible or that you don't have any influence in their life is outdated and it's unhealthy.
[00:01:41] It's time for a new paradigm in these teen years, one where your midlife is equally considered to their adolescent years, and you officially speak each other's language. You understand them in a way you always wish someone understood you. And you know how to relate to them in ways that boost their confidence and motivation, where no matter how much they showed you typical teen behavior, you still felt close and you could trust each other where you knew exactly how to guide them to become the best version of themselves and you'd never felt better as a parent, welcome to your new reality.
[00:02:21] Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler. And in this podcast, I guide you through the proven. Self regulation, mindset, behavior change, relationship and skill building strategies. And sold to systems tools. I've learned throughout my 18 plus years as an educator and coach for parents, tweens, and teens in this podcast, I share the latest research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a teen to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last.
[00:02:52] A lifetime, this is the teenage guide podcast.
[00:02:59] So what do I mean by systems? Well, inside my program thrive as a member, you get access to what I call my soul to systems toolkit and these systems tools and strategy. Are in the service of building skills. We really want to think about being intentional with skill building that we're modeling as parents, but also that our kids are getting, because they are going to fly the nest and we want them to have a certain amount of skills.
[00:03:30] So systems are a great way to set up the structure and support that enables everyone in your house to be on the same page and to learn Specific skills, so you can think of systems as routines, tools and strategy designed to build skills, streamline life and reduce friction or conflict. And it's also important to remember that not all stress is bad.
[00:03:55] Working out is technically stressful for our bodies, but it's a good kind of stress. Learning something new or facing a fear is technically stressful for your nervous system, but both are actually great for you in the long run. And there's stress. That is highly dysregulating, meaning it takes you out of awareness and response and out of the ability to choose.
[00:04:20] And it takes you into snapping, raging or breaking down both for us and our teenagers. Something really interesting that I coach you through when you're in my membership is that there are different categories of stress to become aware of. Examples are biological, cognitive, emotional, social, pro social, and soul stress.
[00:04:42] I will throw my husband under the bus here and say that give him a deadline and someone chewing in his face and he becomes dysregulated. He can snap. He can't focus on you if there are loud noises or if there's chewing. So these are examples of the ways that our systems and the systems in our environment impact our stress level, how we show up.
[00:05:08] Moment to moment and the ability to create self regulation within ourselves, within our homes and our relationships with our family. So, 1st up time management parents say to me all the time. My team needs time management skills. So what we need to remember to do as parents. Is to take what's invisible, what's in our mind or a skill that we've already internalized and make it visible.
[00:05:38] And also remember that stress those categories of stress. I mentioned they underlie our ability to access the skill. Of managing our time, and so systems help support that. So you want to 1st model your own time management skills and start with using potentially a shared calendar apps like Google calendar or cozy allow everyone to see schedules at a glance color coding events for each family member helps.
[00:06:11] Us differentiate between activities quickly. It helps our brain do less work. So, therefore, it is less stressful for us to process. Another example of a time management strategy or system is in the power of routines. 1 of the most important routines. I suggest. Is a Sunday family meeting, even if it's 5 minutes, it can be simply, you know, virtual FaceTime if you're not in the same place and you're reviewing the week ahead, putting things on the calendar that everyone is holding invisibly make them visible.
[00:06:45] So oftentimes teenagers are like, oh, yeah, I've got that project due on Tuesday. But you don't know about it. Hopefully, you're not micromanaging their every move. So you don't know they have a project until you have a routine and a system that is guaranteed to communicate about those invisible things or what's invisible for them as they're thinking.
[00:07:06] Well, I've got gymnastics practice Tuesday and Thursday. So I'll study for that test after that or whatever, but they don't realize that aunt Myrtle's 80th birthday party is Thursday night. So they won't have time to study again, making what's invisible for you information that you're holding and sharing it with them.
[00:07:27] So this is, has kind of a dual accountability practice. This is where you're going to share plans for the week. Also challenges with carpool or rides, or again, those upcoming projects where they might need support or some supplies. These kinds of systems not only support time management, but again, I'm going to repeat this because this is really important.
[00:07:50] They encourage self regulation. They decrease stress during the week. And while building the skill of project planning. Another system and routine I highly suggest developing is a non Negotiable practice around daily check ins. So, if you're only focused on the to dos, you won't feel fulfilled in parenting, right?
[00:08:15] If you're just jumping from task to task to task, or from errand to extracurricular, and there's no real connection, then you and your teenager are going. To feel depleted, you're not going to feel connected. So you really want to have a system and routine for daily check ins communicate how important it is for you to have a great relationship with them.
[00:08:41] And this is 1 of the ways that you're learning how this is going to become non negotiable 1 of the greatest love languages. Is quality time and humans interpret quality time as the ability to spend time with 1 another feeling fully relaxed, regulated, authentic, seen and heard, especially your team. So a system I suggest starting is.
[00:09:10] Potentially with an evening practice at the end of the day, whether it's dinner, an evening car ride after school, whatever it might be, it's typically probably going to be in the afternoon or evening hours, hanging out in each other's bedrooms where you share and you definitely listen and you're relaxed and quality time.
[00:09:29] There may not be a lot of talking. It may just be presence. It may just be through hanging out together through attunement, right? This practice of getting in the habit of spending even 5 minutes of quality time with your team will go so far and that way you're not jumping from errand to extracurricular and then talking about things they need to do, like homework, because that is just going to be upping.
[00:09:57] The stress meter, a system includes different parts that work together. That's what we want to start thinking about. So when you are thinking about a system that's non negotiable for quality time, consider each of your needs. Every person in the house doesn't need to be included. In fact, there needs to be a mix with all members, like a family dinner and then you and your teenager one on one.
[00:10:23] The idea is that every member of the family impacts each other, and everyone hasn't different needs, and they need different opportunities to interact and to build skills with 1. another timing communication and needs are all factors in this quality time system. Another system I wanted to share with you today is.
[00:10:48] A solid support system, so we are neuro biologically and spiritually hardwired for connection. We are also experiencing a loneliness epidemic in our culture and society. Why well, part of the reason I believe is in the research is really starting to come out around. This is that the media and social media and the way people are portraying themselves or portrayed part of the reason.
[00:11:17] Is our culture celebrating independence and building lives where we don't rely on anyone and we don't depend on each other for day to day living. We are often taxi drivers alone. We're taxi drivers until our teens are driving. We're often in our own little worlds, checking offer to do is working, managing a million things.
[00:11:37] So, whether we're introverted or extroverted, when we get in this mode of hyper independence, we start to believe we're better off. Mhm. Buy ourselves, we start to think it's more efficient and what often happens. It's like a muscle. We often lose social skills and practice. In fact, I have a funny story. I was coaching a teenager the other day, and she will fully admit this, but I called her out and said, If you want these things socially in your life, if you actually want to have that kind of relationship, then you can't be the person that sees someone that they know and go down the opposite aisle in the grocery line every single time.
[00:12:23] Now, sometimes you really may not want to see that person. That's fine. But if you are avoiding. Social contact at all costs, that is a clue that we're losing the muscle and the ability to just practice some social skills, right? And potentially missing out on the opportunity to strengthen our support system, because stress pops up consistently and we're living under the false narrative that we are all alone.
[00:12:52] I think in the best of times, technology shows us. Ways that we can quicken connection that we can connect easily and simply and the truth is, is that what we really, truly need is a healthier relationship to technology and we need to be cultivating that stronger, healthier support system. The filter that you build this support system through is who challenges you to be your best self.
[00:13:22] While also regulating your nervous system, the people that you hold close in your support system need to be able to go through this filter and you need to be able to answer. Yes. Yes. They challenged me to be my best self and yes. They help me regulate my nervous system, meaning they don't add stress to your life.
[00:13:47] They are people you can go to for advice, for support, for resources, rides, fun, exercise, learning spontaneity, or just being and hanging out. These are the kinds of people that we need in our support system. Something that's worked so well for me and my family as well as clients is to make a commitment to reach out to one person every single day when you're thinking of them.
[00:14:15] Message them when you see something that reminds you of someone, call them, leave them a voice memo, send them a funny meme, reach out for connection, develop that support system. So, when you call on them in times of stress. They're right there by you and your teen side. We don't have control over who our teen is friends with, but we do have control over the support system we create inside our lives and our family's lives.
[00:14:49] And if you and your teen have one to three people who fit these descriptions. They challenge you to be your best self, and they help you regulate your nervous system. Then you, my friend, have created a solid, healthy support system. One added note here at the end that I really felt like sharing, and this can tie into your support system.
[00:15:14] This ties into Making non negotiable quality time, a system for quality time with your team and also a time management system is specifically around the power of technology and streamlining our calendar and our systems, specifically anything organization, time management and scheduling and calendar apps and there are many out there and I'm not promoting anything specifically.
[00:15:42] However, the best of them. Are designed to help relieve stress and streamline the Herculean task of running our lives and our homes. We all feel it. We all feel like we can't keep up. It's too overwhelming. There are to do's that never end. We don't have time for ourselves. And so let's use technology to our advantage with.
[00:16:08] Greater consciousness and awareness. Okay, because it doesn't matter what the tool is. It's the consciousness behind the tool. Be aware of your own awareness when you're using these things. If you're using them to unplug and not be aware of your family, which I doubt you are, but if you are using it as a replacement for connection, then that's a problem, right?
[00:16:33] And as technology advances, we want to make the most of it. Because the best of it will help us in life and we have to use it wisely and with great consciousness as our human needs for connection and well, being will never change part of the reason. I believe we have a mental health crisis is. People are using technology as a replacement for human connection.
[00:16:59] So instead use it as an opportunity to streamline your life. If you so desire. I'm not saying you have to do that. I'm just giving it as an option again. We want to be aware of the consciousness. Behind it, so if you're inclined, check out some of the apps and the technologies and AI services that can streamline calendars schedules and managing your household.
[00:17:26] They do exist. There's some really interesting things coming out there. So here's a recap of what we covered inside this episode. 1st, I defined stress. Not all stress is bad. And there are many different categories that impact our ability. To self regulate and access the systems to help skill build and improve our lives.
[00:17:50] Okay, the 3 systems I shared today that I believe are must have for your family with your teenager. Number 1, a time management system. Make visible what's invisible to reduce stress. Have routines for checking in. Number 2, quality time and daily check in system. We're always in a rush. Make daily check ins.
[00:18:12] Non negotiable think of all the different needs and people in your house, because everyone is impacting each other. And finally, a support system. You are not designed to parent or live. Feeling lonely, like, it's all on you pay attention to those you rely on and make sure you are drawing people close to you.
[00:18:36] Who elevate you as well as help you relax. No matter what is going on. You now have a snapshot of what I help parents and teens build and create inside their lives, and I'm so happy to share it with you. So if you want more support with this, and you want to take this deeper, my monthly parent membership thrive is now open and inside this community program each week, you get coaching support and step.
[00:19:03] By step frameworks and my comprehensive soul to systems toolkit that you need that I guarantee will help you and your teen live with more confidence and connection individually together at school and in life. Again, if you're tired of feeling like you're all alone or you've got fear or frustration around parenting your teen, check it out.
[00:19:26] Check out my Thrive monthly membership. I am so excited for where this is headed and it's at a super affordable rate and value packed. No matter what. I really want you to hear me when I say this. Never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I know you have limited time and energy. So thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing.
[00:19:53] In this time for yourself and for your team, if you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect and like subscribe, review and or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them.
[00:20:16] So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide to.
